• For users coming over from tmlfans.ca your username will remain the same but you will need to use the password reset feature (check your spam folder) on the login page in order to set your password. If you encounter issues, email Rick couchmanrick@gmail.com

Depression and Anxiety

I wish you all the best, Kevin, in your fight against this disease.  Good to know that you?re getting better and getting your life together.

Godspeed to you and always feel free to share & chat.  We?ll always be here for you.  That?s what (online) friends are for, too.  :)
 
It?s been 8 years since I last posted here.  Going through some rough times and remembering this thread, I came looking for inspiration and surprised to see it?s still up fresh.  I read through all 25 pages today.  I don?t know you but whether you?re still dealing with it or living in the sunshine, you?re still here and that means you?re winning and that gives me hope.  Even that bit from Highlander about 3 bouts of suicidal ideation on avg  is inspiration in a wierd way.  I guess I?m on my second and odds are I should get through this and wait for the 3rd.  By then, Hopefulyl my girls are no longer needing me. 
 
[/quote]

Full disclosure, I'm an alcoholic. It explains my absence for so long. I went to treatment in September 2016 after being admitted to hospital in very rough shape. My liver and pancreas were failing. I've spent since then battling my addiction. I attend AA 5 times a week, see an addictions counselor once a week.

But this disease is insidious. It's always waiting to get it's claws back into you. It's cost me my marriage and a few friends along the way. Last October I relapsed after just over 2 years of sobriety. I continued until April 11 when I checked myself into the Pembroke hospital to go into their monitored withdrawal protocol. I've been sober since then. But I've found it very tough. In AA we call it white knuckling it. So I took matters into my hands. Determined to finally give it up for good. As I write this I'm in rehab. On Wednesday I checked myself into a treatment facility in North Bay for 21 days.

Sharing for a lot of addicts is a form of recovery. Talking openly and honestly about our addiction helps us to find peace. It's also good for those who suffer in silence to hear that there is hope. And putting up your hand to ask for help is the most courageous thing you can do.

I can't guarantee I'll be sober forever. No addict can. But I guarantee that I'll fight like the devil to get my life to where I know it can be. A better a version of me.

Thanks for listening.

Kevin
[/quote]
I?m doing more than listening.  If u can pull through then that means can we can too.  Keep fighting bro, don?t let us down!
 
Never had to deal with this before but here goes.  Last night I received terrible news about a friend I've known for over 30 years.  We used to hang out a lot, but as time goes on and you have your own families you tend to drift apart.  Would see him maybe 1-2 times a year recently where we would reminisce about the old days in university, and generally have a good time.  My friend took his own life on Friday night.  I never knew anything was wrong with him, he was always pretty closed and wouldn't really open up about anything, but that's how he always was for as long as I knew him.  I still can't believe it.  Just wanted to let you all know to keep in touch with your friends, make an effort to reach out, you never know when you'll never see them again.
 
Zee said:
Never had to deal with this before but here goes.  Last night I received terrible news about a friend I've known for over 30 years.  We used to hang out a lot, but as time goes on and you have your own families you tend to drift apart.  Would see him maybe 1-2 times a year recently where we would reminisce about the old days in university, and generally have a good time.  My friend took his own life on Friday night.  I never knew anything was wrong with him, he was always pretty closed and wouldn't really open up about anything, but that's how he always was for as long as I knew him.  I still can't believe it.  Just wanted to let you all know to keep in touch with your friends, make an effort to reach out, you never know when you'll never see them again.
Click to expand...

Sad, Zee.  But what can we do?

I haven?t seen my friend for months now myself.  I?m going to message her and see how she?s doing.

Oftentimes, it?s the thought that counts no matter where we are or what we?re doing.  Keeping communication lines open does wonders for the heart, and for our friends and ourselves.
 
So an update. When I last posted here, things were really bad. I had to make an emergency appointment with my therapist and just broke down crying my eyes out from the pain. I was in a deep depression with a solid black cloud hanging over me that I just couldn't shake. The feeling that it wouldn't ever end was crushing me. I felt defeated and was ready to give up. Death seemed like a reasonable way out. My persistent thoughts of death scared me and motivated me to action.

After 25 years of suffering, I'm now able to finally admit that therapy alone just wasn't enough and that medical help might be needed. Given my past circumstances, you'd understand my resistance to any drug that I perceived could alter my mental state (mostly a control issue due to PTSD from being surrounded by alcoholism and rage; details aren't interesting.) Anyway, I saw my physician and we've decided to try me on an antidepressant. It's been about 10 days and the side effects have not been fun (zero appetite and other things), but they are starting to subside. I've just started my double doses, so side effects may come back.

Since starting medication (and admitting that I need AND can accept help), I've felt better. Part of it is just the natural ebb-and-flow of my depression, part of it is surely a placebo effect. I'm admitting that I've been a bit of a hypocrite, as I always encourage others to seek help in any way that works, including medication. But, I've been so resistant for so long for getting that help for myself. I only started therapy about 16 months ago after decades of pain.

I don't know where this journey is going to take me, but I know (and admitted to my doctor) that I just can't continue the way it's been. I know for a fact my depression has severely impacted my career and financial success and my ability to create lasting connections with people. This is a shame because loneliness is one of the worst "symptoms" that I deal with.

I'm going to choose -- as best I can -- to not feel shame for waiting this long to get help. I'm going to accept therapy as an on-going part of my life and also that medication for the long-term might be required. I have an intake appointment tomorrow to start the process for a psychiatric evaluation to see if there's anything else going on. This is primarily due to a suspicion that I have ADD or a similar condition, which really helps explain some of my behaviour and thought patterns.

Part of resistance in reaching out is the persistent thought that "I'm not depressed enough" or "there's people that need treatment more than me". Therapy has helped me realize that my pain matters and is real. That I, and all of you, deserve to be as happy as we can be. We should feel free to use the resources that are available. Sometimes it's awkward, sometimes it takes a long time.

While I'm writing this primarily for me, I hope someone can get some inspiration to reach out and get help too. You don't have to wait for severe depression or pain. I know things will go up and down, but I'm actually hopeful for the first time that I'll have the tools to cope and live.
 
Thanks for sharing. You are def a strong and caring person for sharing your personal journey. Liked that last line the best. Wish you nothing but best. #bullfrogstrong
 
Thanks for sharing, BF.

The side effects of antidepressants do suck, but, I've definitely found using them better than the alternatives. They do fade - and, counter intuitively, they can be milder on larger doses.
 
That was a very powerful post BF. Thank you for sharing. Depression runs in the family and I think a post like this is important. You know we're here for you :)
 
Thank you for the kind words, everyone. This community that I've been a part of for at least 20 years is important to me.

I'm a "high-functioning" depressive. Meaning, most of my friends and family don't know the private suffering that I endure (nor, do I suspect, am I aware of theirs.) I'm also not completely open with my wife about how I feel, preferring to brave through events instead of declining. I'm learning to be more open with her though.

I plan on making a heart-felt and open post on Facebook, to let my friends know how I'm feeling. I've been hesitant though; it's scary to put yourself out there and to be so vulnerable.

What's telling is that this is the first place I go to express myself. I think anonymity has something to do with that, but also it shows how much this place means to me.
 
I watched a very moving special called "Gary Gulman: The Great Depresh" recently; I was a fan of his standup, and had wondered why he hadn't released any new material for some time; this provided the answers in terms of what he was going through. Both funny and poignant.

https://www.amazon.com/Gary-Gulman-Depresh-Not-Specified/dp/B07YNB9PKF

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epF-2yKaAYg&list=PLaCbL1hudxRgmmpSyZh2Yurj37lbUYlDw

 
My dad is bipolar and quite unpredictable at the moment. He is drinking a lot of alcohol and taking antidepressant which made him worse the last time. He have all these projects where he can "make a lot of quick money". He just keeps saying that everything will be all right, and often he is in situations where he needs money quickly. Today he called the emergency number and they offered to send out a team to talk to him, but he said no, because he's afraid that they will force him into the hospital and keep him there. He jokes about taking his life, usually when he is drunk. Me and my siblings have picked him up when drunk a couple of times.

Today he told me that he doesn't feel threatened, but that he will get a life insurance. He's a custodian for a guy that goes in and out of jail, and my dad had a burglary for about a month ago and suspect it was the criminals friends'. He seems to enjoy that things are happening, he also admits that he needs some excitement. So it's tricky to know how to handle this. Me and my siblings agreed to try to convince him to follow us to the ER for psychiatric disease tomorrow, but he is very stubborn.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top